Where Do We Go From Here?

It's been a while since I last posted.  Life has continued to be a crazy roller coaster over the last few months.  In October, we faced our third loss of 2011.  This one hit me very hard. 10/11 was supposed to be MINE.  I did a lot of pretending I was ok in order to get through. I stopped tracking, stopped caring, and just stopped everything.

Normally the holidays would have snapped me out of it, or at least allow me to focus on everything which needed to get done.  Unfortunately, I sprained my ankle badly which threw a wrench into those plans. I spent all of my time in bed or on the couch trying to be positive, excited for the holidays, happy that my awful 2011 was finally coming to an end. But it was forced and I was as far from happy as I could get. 

With news that my husband's insurance would be changing Jan 1, I knew I needed to do something. But, being near that edge of giving up while pretending to everyone that I was ok, I faced a big decision.  Do I go in and see what a new doctor can do? Do I give up or keep trying? I spent some time wondering, wishing for the right answer.  

First, I knew if I was going to continue trying, I needed to find a doctor who was going to do more than throw unmonitored meds at me, one who was going to be available when I need them.  Someone who was going to HELP me, LISTEN to me, and hold my hand through this process. Someone who was going to actually LOOK at everything in front of him/her and do something for me. I had just 3 choices. After watching their video introductions, I already knew one of the doctors and didn't love her. The other two were men.  The first was already in his 60's (strike one) and a “jokester” (strike two). Really, I don't want someone playing/joking around with me and I want someone who is going to take me and my situation seriously.  That obviously narrowed my options down.  I made the only choice I had left and called for an appointment. After being told his first available appointment wasn't until early January, I thought "oh great, here we go...another doctor with crappy availability". 

While waiting for the appointment, Christmas came and went. Time flew on the good days and dragged ass on the bad days. But I still wasn't committed to doing this just yet. Would I feel more in control of my life if I just said "screw it"? Or, would I regret not trying? I got a couple unexpected kicks in the gut from family over the holidays which finally made my decision easier.  I HAD to do this thing! I recommitted to my weight loss, bought my digital ovulation predictors, got myself ready for a nice sticky baby in 2012. 

My appointment was last week. Meeting a new doctor, especially one who is going to know you so intimately, is bad enough.  Add in my previous awful experiences with crappy doctors and I am a bundle of nerves. All the deep breathing in the world didn't help...my normally regular BP was 150-something over 109.  The nurse asked if I had hypertension or if I was just nervous. Uh yeah, nerves were definitely playing a part in those numbers.  

When he walks in the room, he's a big guy, in his 40s. After introducing himself, he sits down and pulls out his pad of paper and starts asking questions (you know, the ones I've already answered on the new patient paperwork AND to the nurse who was just in a few minutes ago).  But, much to my surprise, he's actually writing my responses down. Taking notes! Detailed notes! That's already an improvement over my last 3 doctors...they may occasionally scratch a note down, but nothing like this. We both start to get a little more comfortable with each other. He's looking me in the eye (also something I've struggled to find) and talking to me directly.  I am amazed he hasn't mentioned my weight. With the exception of my very last doctor, this was always one of the first things mentioned. He talks to me about my PCOS, asking me my symptoms. And, he knows what they are! Bonus!  My last doctor came straight out and said she didn't know much about polycystic ovaries, but because they had a fertility specialist on staff, she wasn't worried. :/

I had printed my last years’ worth of charts out for him to look at. It was a big stack which my last doctor barely glanced at one month of, and I wouldn't have been surprised if he did the same thing. But no! He went through everything, every month, sheet by sheet. Asked questions about timing, or things he saw were off.  After telling me he felt the months we had our timing right were the only months we actually got short-lived positive tests, I was ecstatic! He said we were trying too hard and that we needed to adjust our timing and schedule.  After he said those words, I figured that was going to be it. He'd tell me to give that a shot and come back in a few months. But no! Instead, he wants to rule out that there's nothing wrong with hubby and nothing physically wrong with me.  Really?!?! You mean, you're actually going to DO something?? 

He answered every question I had and was very direct.  He didn't bring up my weight until the very end, and he did it with care and compassion. He didn't talk down to me or make me feel bad. He told me he understands PCOS is the reason for my weight struggle.  When I told him I was already down 12 lbs or so from my previous appointment in June, he got a huge grin, stuck out his hand to shake mine and CONGRATULATED me on what I considered 12 measly pounds. 

So, hubby has his analysis and I had an ultrasound this week. At my appointment, I was hoping for some sort of clue from the tech, but got nothing. She said I'd be called with the results, so now I wait.

But, a bit of light is shining down at the end of my tunnel...finally.  I don't know where this road will take us just yet, pending our test results, but I am happy to have found someone who might just help us.