Where exactly did this saying come from? Whether you think it's an English Proverb or would rather believe it came from ancient Greece, I personally believe whoever said it, in whatever language it was said in, was full of shit.
After suffering another devastating loss in October, I've been just that...suffering. Each time it gets more difficult. Difficult to accept, difficult to move on, difficult to keep doing what I've been doing. My work is suffering, my home is suffering, my husband is suffering. Beyond all of the crazy hormonal issues, I'm just left with this overwhelming feeling of grief and sadness. How do you get over it? How do you continue on?
I am thankful beyond words for the friends I have who have been incredibly supportive and understanding, and for my amazing husband who knows just when to step back and give me some space or to step in and give me a hug. But all of the comfort in the world doesn't HEAL me.
I have broken, shattered little pieces of me all over the place and while I can pretend to sweep them up and start gluing them back together again, each time this happens I get a little more fragile. I have a real problem with pushing too hard, too fast. Even when I have an "ok" day, I'm finding I backslide very quickly. And even if those backslides leave as quickly as they come on, I'd much rather them not be happening at all.
Yes, I know I NEED to grieve. But I don't WANT to. Instead I want to overwhelm my brain with things. Things to do, things to look at, projects to think about. If I sit down with nothing to do or to keep my brain occupied, the negative thoughts start. The "I don't think I can do this ever again" thoughts. The "I don't WANT to do this anymore" thoughts. The "maybe I don't deserve this" thoughts. The problem I have though, is this is not my personality. I am not a "woe is me...life is so unfair" person. Never have been, never will be. I am strong. I KNOW I am strong. Fiercely strong. But sometimes, just sometimes, I'm not. I am ripped apart, I am heartbroken.
At the moment, I'm lacking my usual determination, my drive. It's a truthfully scary place to be, I am here so infrequently. I am stuck between wanting to reach out and wanting to hide in a tiny little black hole. Between giving this everything I've got and giving it up completely.
There are new doctors and test galore ahead and I cannot make myself pick up that phone to make the calls I need to make. It makes me infinitely sad to have failed at something again, especially when it's what I want most in this world. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am not a failure. I refuse to be a failure. The catch-22 here is...if I don't try again, I can't fail again. Therein lies my dilemma.
andrea, i can identify with every single statement of this post. all i can say is that one day you'll realize that you haven't thought about it as much...and the next day, even less. you can, and you will, move forward. yes, there are reminders everywhere. some days are harder than others. it's never going to go away, it's never going to not have happened. your losses are now a part of who you are, and they are going to be an integral part of your future. your choice is how you want them to be a part of you...do you want them to push you forward and push you to work even harder for your dreams? to do whatever needs to be done to obtain your goal? do you want them to contribute to the already awesome strength and resilience that is you? or are you going to let them beat you down and change you into someone you don't want to be? a fearful, withdrawn, scared non-andrea-like woman...i'm sure you know the answer. you DON'T have to move on just yet. you DO need to face your feelings or it will just take longer to kick your own butt back into gear. you DO have an awesome support system - use it! and DON'T be ashamed! i know personally, i think i have to be strong for everyone else. i don't want anyone to know my fears, my sadness, my brokenness. i talk about my losses and downplay them. don't do it. nobody expects you to heal immediately, and don't expect it of yourself either. don't think God's delays are God's denials. yes, there is a chance we can lose again...but there's a chance that the next one will be THE one. do we want to give up on that chance? we love you girl...
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I love you and I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to. You are truly one of the strongest women I know, but you need this time to grieve before you can move on to whatever next step you decide is right for you. I know great things are in your future and don't ever think for one second that any of your losses were because you don't deserve this, you are going to be amazing at it and God knows it and I know he has a plan for you!
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