Friday, October 7, 2011

My Love for Fall

Fall is my favorite time of year, filled with all of my favorite things.  Beautiful brightly colored leaves, followed by the crunch they leave underfoot as they drift to the ground. Pumpkins, followed by delicious pumpkin seeds and pumpkin pie and pumpkin spice lattes and pumpkin bread and, of course, pumpkin carving.  Halloween followed by Thanksgiving. Crisp mornings followed by  perfect sweatshirt-cozy evenings. Apples, pears, the season's best squash, and trick or treaters. 

It's a beautiful and rare 80 degree Friday here in WI.  And it is October. I should be appreciating every moment of what is probably going to be considered our Indian Summer, especially knowing what is looming with a flip of the calendar month. You know...that nasty, yet inevitable, 4-letter S word??
But for now, my focus is narrowed to Halloween. I thank my mother for my insane love for Halloween which began when I was a child.  Mom had a collection of decorations for each holiday season and for as long as I can remember, her mechanical witch was part of her Halloween collection.  I STILL love (and covet) that witch and have never seen one exactly like it. 

As young children, she made our costumes every year. Off the top of my head I recall a clown costume (even though I was horribly sick with a cold and my face makeup was smeared everywhere), a Care Bear, and a witch complete with homemade green face paint and a big fake creepy nose. When we were young, they would take us trick-or-treating, but as we got older we were allowed, in the good ol days ;), to go alone. Those were the days when you could trick-or-treat until long after dark and it felt like we would walk for miles and miles hauling heavy sacks of candy.  When we'd get home, mom and dad would have to inspect the candy and somehow when we got it back it was inevitably missing a few "potentially dangerous" pieces.

As I got older, my love for Halloween got stronger.  I started to grow my own collection of decor, picking things up here and there that I liked.  While mom's style of decorating was more "autumn country living", mine was focused on the creepier stuff out there.  Since then, I have amassed an enormous collection.  Each year I try to add at least one new awesome piece to the mix and once the first hint of cool air hits us, my brain is wired for Halloween.  I begin planning the (almost) yearly costume party and figuring out where I'm going to put things. We already have big plans for this year, which include my husband building some props.

When I met Tom, he hated Halloween. Not atypical of a man's perspective, he thought it was "stupid". He hated haunted houses- one of my favorite fall activities. He didn't care about handing out candy, didn't want to get dressed up for parties. He was definitely raised differently than I was and he is convinced he cannot be scared.

It may have taken a lot of years, but apparently living with someone who is as obsessed as I am seems to have an affect on your own excitement toward something like Halloween.  Truthfully, he never had a chance. He is surrounded by it. He even comes to haunted houses with me now. He may pretend to put up a fight, I know he gets the same adrenaline rush we all get!

Just a month or two ago he came home with a surprise he had bought for me. A life-size wooden coffin.  To anyone else, that may have been the craziest gift ever, but it could not have been more perfect for me. Just another reason I am crazy in love with that man.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Trying Game

I try not to be angry. I try not to be frustrated. I try taking my temp daily. I try taking medication. I try to lose weight. I try to eat healthy. I try to be positive. I try to be upbeat. I try anything and everything.

September marked one official year of trying to conceive for us. It was both a happy and sad milestone to reach.  Happy because we've learned a lot about my specific fertility concerns and for the most part, I've ovulated regularly.  Sad because despite that fairly regular ovulation, we've had only two successful starts which very quickly turned into losses.

But, the good news is that October is well underway and once again, we are trying. I'm channeling my mother with this statement, but... if it's meant to be, it'll be.  Waiting does not do anything to help with my issue of impatience, however.

Being well on my way to 34 means a few things. 35 is considered "advanced maternal age" and I dread seeing myself in that category. It also means I'm 10 years beyond when I realistically wanted to have our first child together. I keep thinking this infertility thing isn't so bad...we are managing things together and my husband is an amazing man who is always thinking positively and while I know he quietly and deeply shares my disappointment month after month, he is always my bright spot and my rock. 

If you are not part of the world of infertility, I imagine it can be very difficult to understand what we go through. Whether you don't want children at all, or maybe you are super-fertile and have never struggled, it CAN be tough to comprehend. How being infertile can be THAT bad? Just relax. It'll happen when you least expect it! They're common phrases women who have been trying to conceive have heard often.  But, we get angry. Bitter. Sad. Hurt. Our bodies have betrayed us. As women, we're put on this earth and given the bodily organs specifically made to CREATE babies. When our bodies fail us, WE fail. That's not to say there aren't some medical options for us, because there are. But for me, I'm going to have to hit a major desperation point to reach to those medical options.  I don't even particularly care for even the medication I am on, but that was as far as my desperation would allow me to go thus far.  I still feel like a failure month after month, but I let it roll off my back, pick myself back up, dust off and try again.

I am determined not to become one of those bitter and angry infertile women who lash out to those around her. To her support system, her friends, her family. So, I continue to work through the pain and disappointment with a good attitude. The best attitude I can muster.  I may occasionally have a "woe is me" day, but I do my best to make sure they are few and far between.  Instead, I focus on basking in the support and love I recieve on a daily basis all around me. I spend the weekends sleeping in (as much as the pups will let me, anyway!) because I know some day I'll not have that opportunity. I focus on making a strong relationship and a healthier body because I know both things will be very important.  I keep myself wrapped in projects because someday I hope I'm not going to have time to do them anymore.  I relish my free time, my quiet time, and our ability to pick up and do whatever we want, whenever we want.  THESE are the things which are important now because sitting idly by watching life move while being a bitter, angry, stick in the mud is just not what I'm going to do.