The Trying Game

I try not to be angry. I try not to be frustrated. I try taking my temp daily. I try taking medication. I try to lose weight. I try to eat healthy. I try to be positive. I try to be upbeat. I try anything and everything.

September marked one official year of trying to conceive for us. It was both a happy and sad milestone to reach.  Happy because we've learned a lot about my specific fertility concerns and for the most part, I've ovulated regularly.  Sad because despite that fairly regular ovulation, we've had only two successful starts which very quickly turned into losses.

But, the good news is that October is well underway and once again, we are trying. I'm channeling my mother with this statement, but... if it's meant to be, it'll be.  Waiting does not do anything to help with my issue of impatience, however.

Being well on my way to 34 means a few things. 35 is considered "advanced maternal age" and I dread seeing myself in that category. It also means I'm 10 years beyond when I realistically wanted to have our first child together. I keep thinking this infertility thing isn't so bad...we are managing things together and my husband is an amazing man who is always thinking positively and while I know he quietly and deeply shares my disappointment month after month, he is always my bright spot and my rock. 

If you are not part of the world of infertility, I imagine it can be very difficult to understand what we go through. Whether you don't want children at all, or maybe you are super-fertile and have never struggled, it CAN be tough to comprehend. How being infertile can be THAT bad? Just relax. It'll happen when you least expect it! They're common phrases women who have been trying to conceive have heard often.  But, we get angry. Bitter. Sad. Hurt. Our bodies have betrayed us. As women, we're put on this earth and given the bodily organs specifically made to CREATE babies. When our bodies fail us, WE fail. That's not to say there aren't some medical options for us, because there are. But for me, I'm going to have to hit a major desperation point to reach to those medical options.  I don't even particularly care for even the medication I am on, but that was as far as my desperation would allow me to go thus far.  I still feel like a failure month after month, but I let it roll off my back, pick myself back up, dust off and try again.

I am determined not to become one of those bitter and angry infertile women who lash out to those around her. To her support system, her friends, her family. So, I continue to work through the pain and disappointment with a good attitude. The best attitude I can muster.  I may occasionally have a "woe is me" day, but I do my best to make sure they are few and far between.  Instead, I focus on basking in the support and love I recieve on a daily basis all around me. I spend the weekends sleeping in (as much as the pups will let me, anyway!) because I know some day I'll not have that opportunity. I focus on making a strong relationship and a healthier body because I know both things will be very important.  I keep myself wrapped in projects because someday I hope I'm not going to have time to do them anymore.  I relish my free time, my quiet time, and our ability to pick up and do whatever we want, whenever we want.  THESE are the things which are important now because sitting idly by watching life move while being a bitter, angry, stick in the mud is just not what I'm going to do.